Leaving Well
As a kid, my family moved around a fair bit. By the time I was ten, I had moved nine times to eight different states. People often assume, upon learning this, that we were a military family. We weren’t, but these transitions would give rise to my dad singing, “Make new friends, but the keep old. One is silver and the other gold.” Leaving a relationship or a change in the context of a relationship is hard. It isn’t as easy as saying things won’t change. But as we go about those relational transitions as a church body—whether it is joining a new Community Group, starting with a new Discipleship Group, or moving to join with a different church all together—there are some principles that will help us in leaving well.
General Principles
The spark for reflecting on and sharing these principles is not in response to any one departure or transition. Having crossed the five-year mark as a church, we have been together now long enough where we have seen people come and go and relationships change. Additionally, our church size is such that, while still small, we can’t have the same depth of relationship with everyone. So, my hope is that these four general principles will help us navigate those changes with grace.
1. All Relationships Are Vapor
Leaning on Ecclesiastes for this first principle, we need to recognize first that all of our relationships are varying degrees of vapor. Every relationship we enjoy in life under the sun will one day end. Even that most enduring relationship of marriage is not eternally permanent. But instead of the relative fleetingness of relationships leading us to treat them trivially, we ought rather cherish them all the more while we have them. Relationships are a gift to us from God who has always been in relationship—Father, Son, and Spirit.
And when relationships change by not seeing one another as consistently or to the same depth as when in the same Community or Discipleship group, there is a sadness in the loss of that gift we have so enjoyed. And that sadness can be complicated when it feels like rejection for a friend and fellow church member to decide to leave the context of the relationship that has been so meaningful. Oftentimes, the change is not meant as a rejection, so let it be to your glory to not take offense, to overlook any slight, and to not bear any resentment (Proverbs 19:11, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
Instead, regard all of your relationships—vapor though they may be—by the adage, “Leave it better than you found it.” For the season and time God has appointed for you to enjoy that friendship, how can you do spiritual good to that brother or sister in the Lord in helping them follow Christ in all of life such that when the day comes for a change in that relationship, that person is better having known you? Such a perspective embodies a confidence in the promise that “it is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). You can pursue the blessing God has for you by giving in any relationship so that your friend is blessed by your friendship.
And when relationships change by not seeing one another as consistently or to the same depth as when in the same Community or Discipleship group, there is a sadness in the loss of that gift we have so enjoyed. And that sadness can be complicated when it feels like rejection for a friend and fellow church member to decide to leave the context of the relationship that has been so meaningful. Oftentimes, the change is not meant as a rejection, so let it be to your glory to not take offense, to overlook any slight, and to not bear any resentment (Proverbs 19:11, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
Instead, regard all of your relationships—vapor though they may be—by the adage, “Leave it better than you found it.” For the season and time God has appointed for you to enjoy that friendship, how can you do spiritual good to that brother or sister in the Lord in helping them follow Christ in all of life such that when the day comes for a change in that relationship, that person is better having known you? Such a perspective embodies a confidence in the promise that “it is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). You can pursue the blessing God has for you by giving in any relationship so that your friend is blessed by your friendship.
2. Not All Relationships End Like Death or Divorce
Most of our relationships don’t end with the grief and sorrow of that comparable to death or divorce. Often, time, location, or life stage change and friendships transition and grow distant. Someone has used the imagery of “friends of the road” and “friends of the heart.” Some friends you have for a certain stretch of the journey. Others are friends you don’t see often, but when you do, you pick up right where you left off. It’s ok that not all friendships are the same.
But it is also ok for it to be sad when friendships and relationships change and fade. It’s ok to grieve the loss of the gift that friendship was. And it’s ok to express that sadness to the friend who is leaving or staying behind. You might give voice to it saying, “The relationship we have developed in Discipleship Group has meant so much to me. It is really sad for me that our group is not meeting any longer.” But expressing that doesn’t mean the relationship is forever cut off or is cut out of your life as with death or divorce. We can grieve the change and recognize it does not mean it is the very end of contact.
But it is also ok for it to be sad when friendships and relationships change and fade. It’s ok to grieve the loss of the gift that friendship was. And it’s ok to express that sadness to the friend who is leaving or staying behind. You might give voice to it saying, “The relationship we have developed in Discipleship Group has meant so much to me. It is really sad for me that our group is not meeting any longer.” But expressing that doesn’t mean the relationship is forever cut off or is cut out of your life as with death or divorce. We can grieve the change and recognize it does not mean it is the very end of contact.
3. Prayerful Pushing or Pulling
Before leaving a relational context, you should prayerfully consider why. There may be forces at work moving in one of two directions: pushing you out of that relationship or pulling you to a new context. As you perceive a desire for a change, ask the Lord to help you know your own heart and motives for it. Ask the Spirit to help you discern if there are “pushing” factors, things that are hard about a relationship that feel like they are edging you out of that context. If that is the case, you should have conversations to work toward resolution. You may still end up leaving, but you do so in a way so as to “live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:18).
If through pray and reflection on your motives, you honestly assess that the reasons for a change in your group (or church membership) are of the “pulling” variety—there is opportunity for further deployment of your gifts, an open door for the gospel is made available to you, you would be stretched to be more generous in your hospitality in welcoming others into meaningful relationships. If there are factors pulling you into a new setting, have those reasons clear in your own mind so that you are able to articulate them when communicating with those you are leaving.
If through pray and reflection on your motives, you honestly assess that the reasons for a change in your group (or church membership) are of the “pulling” variety—there is opportunity for further deployment of your gifts, an open door for the gospel is made available to you, you would be stretched to be more generous in your hospitality in welcoming others into meaningful relationships. If there are factors pulling you into a new setting, have those reasons clear in your own mind so that you are able to articulate them when communicating with those you are leaving.
4. Communicate Early
A final general principle is to communicate early with those in your present relational circles. If you are exploring connecting with another group or church, invite others to pray with and for you as seek to leave well. This is one way you allow your current relationships to obey Jesus’ command to “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). We do well to allow others to “pray for one another” (James 5:16).
It can be particularly hard for those friends you are leaving if you are evaluating and praying and discerning a transition without telling them. It can leave them puzzled about the depth of relationship they understood to have with you. Now, the different contexts of relationships may modify this principle. Attending a Community Group once a month for a handful of months is not the same as sharing a meal together every other week for five years. The greater time and vulnerability present in a relationship, the more vital it is to communicate early. And that communication should be honest and clear. You don’t want to tell your group, “I just want to connect with another group,” if the real motive is that someone has offended you.
It can be particularly hard for those friends you are leaving if you are evaluating and praying and discerning a transition without telling them. It can leave them puzzled about the depth of relationship they understood to have with you. Now, the different contexts of relationships may modify this principle. Attending a Community Group once a month for a handful of months is not the same as sharing a meal together every other week for five years. The greater time and vulnerability present in a relationship, the more vital it is to communicate early. And that communication should be honest and clear. You don’t want to tell your group, “I just want to connect with another group,” if the real motive is that someone has offended you.
Specific Principles
With those general principles in mind, here are some specifics related to the three formal relational connections we practice as a church: Community Group, Discipleship Group, and membership.
Community Group
When it comes to Community Group, and you have decided to branch off to connect with or start hosting a new group, be sure to communicate with everyone so none think you’ve ghosted them. This hopefully should have already happened because you have already communicated early to invite them into that decision-making process with you. Nevertheless, be clear when you’ve arrived at a final decision. In this change, set yourself to see the good in it, looking at it as an opportunity to welcome others into the kind of rich relationship you have so valued with those in your group previously. You now have the chance to practice generous hospitality and gospel intentionality with people who have not known such things.
Discipleship Group
Ideally, the closing of a chapter for a particular Discipleship Group is happening because new groups are forming. You should view your present Discipleship Group as preparing you to be ready to step up and give leadership to advancing others’ faith and obedience to all that Jesus commanded. Our disciple-making mandate is clear. We don’t perpetually benefit alone from the discipling work of others in our lives, but we are sent as well under Jesus’ all-encompassing authority equipped by his never-ending presence to make disciples. But if that “pull” factor isn’t present, and you are feeling more of a “push,” you really need to talk about it with your group. If assistance is needed in doing that, reach out to a pastor.
Membership
Last, when it comes to leaving well from church membership, there are a number of particular things to keep in mind. Leaving this relationship is the most substantial of the three since it is creating the most distance. But we want to leave well because moving our membership doesn’t mean a full severing of relationship, especially if you’re staying in the same area. We will still see each other school functions, conferences, concerts, and even the grocery store. So, it is necessary to keep in mind our final commitment to one another as members, “that when we remove from this place, we will notify the church leaders, and, if possible, unite with a likeminded church where we can carry out the spirit of this covenant.”
So, with either “push” or “pull” factors, talk with your Discipleship Group and a pastor, ideally before something rises to the level of considering leaving to join another church. It can be particularly hard for Discipleship Group members to learn of your church transition after the decision has been made. That doesn’t convey the kind of depth of relationship we are after in these groups. If and when the decision does come to leaving Westview, share that and the steps you’ve gone through with both kinds of groups as well as others you are closer with.
Part of the transition should also include making thoughtful plans. Before you leave, have a pretty good idea of what church you will join. This is all the more vital if relocating to a new city or state. You very likely will have evaluated neighborhoods to live in, schools for children to attend, commute times to work—you should absolutely factor in whether or not there are healthy churches in the area for you to join. It’s been observed that moving is “one of the most dangerous things a Christian can do.” Another aspect of the plan is, as Kevin DeYoung described it, to “leave off a ledge.” Don’t drift away, gradually attending public worship less and less, slowly showing up less and less to Discipleship Group. So long as you are a member with us, be clear and committed. And as you look to make a transition, be sure your responsibilities are covered. If you host a Community Group, who can take up that mantle? Do you need to help recruit a new volunteer to take your spot on the set up team?
Know that once you decide to withdraw your membership and unite with another likeminded church, communicating that to one of our pastors, one of us will plan to set up an “exit interview” with you. Much of what we will seek to discuss in that conversation will already be known because the above principles have been taken into account. But that discussion helps to address anything else that may have been missed and provides an opportunity for us to pray for you as the season God had for you under our care comes to a close.
One last, sober note on leaving as a member of Westview. If your departure is in the midst of our efforts as a church to carry out the formal aspects of church discipline, know that we are committed to our promises to you and will continue to call you to repentance and restoration. By that I mean that if you, as a covenant member with us, are in unrepentant sin that has warranted that process Jesus describes in Matthew 18:15-20, we will not grant your request to be removed from membership until there is resolution. We will continue to pursue you, calling you to turn in repentance and faith, as you have agreed and asked us to.
We want these relationships together, this kind of life in Christ together, to be shaped by trust in his Word and love for one another. What a grace that most often, God is kind in ordaining that relationships transition happily and without ill will toward one another. And while we recognize that such changes are hard, we trust that God will give grace for it.
So, with either “push” or “pull” factors, talk with your Discipleship Group and a pastor, ideally before something rises to the level of considering leaving to join another church. It can be particularly hard for Discipleship Group members to learn of your church transition after the decision has been made. That doesn’t convey the kind of depth of relationship we are after in these groups. If and when the decision does come to leaving Westview, share that and the steps you’ve gone through with both kinds of groups as well as others you are closer with.
Part of the transition should also include making thoughtful plans. Before you leave, have a pretty good idea of what church you will join. This is all the more vital if relocating to a new city or state. You very likely will have evaluated neighborhoods to live in, schools for children to attend, commute times to work—you should absolutely factor in whether or not there are healthy churches in the area for you to join. It’s been observed that moving is “one of the most dangerous things a Christian can do.” Another aspect of the plan is, as Kevin DeYoung described it, to “leave off a ledge.” Don’t drift away, gradually attending public worship less and less, slowly showing up less and less to Discipleship Group. So long as you are a member with us, be clear and committed. And as you look to make a transition, be sure your responsibilities are covered. If you host a Community Group, who can take up that mantle? Do you need to help recruit a new volunteer to take your spot on the set up team?
Know that once you decide to withdraw your membership and unite with another likeminded church, communicating that to one of our pastors, one of us will plan to set up an “exit interview” with you. Much of what we will seek to discuss in that conversation will already be known because the above principles have been taken into account. But that discussion helps to address anything else that may have been missed and provides an opportunity for us to pray for you as the season God had for you under our care comes to a close.
One last, sober note on leaving as a member of Westview. If your departure is in the midst of our efforts as a church to carry out the formal aspects of church discipline, know that we are committed to our promises to you and will continue to call you to repentance and restoration. By that I mean that if you, as a covenant member with us, are in unrepentant sin that has warranted that process Jesus describes in Matthew 18:15-20, we will not grant your request to be removed from membership until there is resolution. We will continue to pursue you, calling you to turn in repentance and faith, as you have agreed and asked us to.
We want these relationships together, this kind of life in Christ together, to be shaped by trust in his Word and love for one another. What a grace that most often, God is kind in ordaining that relationships transition happily and without ill will toward one another. And while we recognize that such changes are hard, we trust that God will give grace for it.