A Positive Vision for Parenting
Carrying out our calling as Christian parents requires a positive vision for the task. Correction plays a pivotal role, but we must have a broader, more expansive vision for our children. I think such a vision is consistent with reformed baptist convictions and is what Scripture would call us to. In short, this is what Paul is referencing when he exhorts fathers to bring up their children “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).
Reformed Baptist?
I’m not tied to denominational monikers. I don’t feel any keen affinity for the label of “baptist.” But such titles are helpful shorthand for theological and biblical convictions. In this case, I am bringing up “reformed baptist” convictions in relation to parenting because of the tension some fellow reformed baptists feel. By the “reformed” label, I am referencing the Protestant Reformation and the truths of Scripture recovered in that formative time in the history of the Church. I particular have in mind here the Bible’s teaching on sin and our sinful nature. All people are sinful all the way through (Gen 6:5, 8:21; 1 Kgs 8:46; Prov 15:26; Eccl 7:20; Rom 1:21, 3:23, 5:12-21, 8:20; 1 Cor 15:22; 2 Cor 4:4; Eph 2:1-3). That means our children—yes, even children of Christian parents—are sinners. Apart from saving faith in Christ, our children have no hope of salvation.
By the “baptist” label, I do not mean to reference a denomination but the conviction on the nature of the church. The baptistic understanding of the church is that it is comprised of those who are members of the “New Covenant.” It is that covenant anticipated in Jeremiah 31:31-34, where the covenant members are those who have the law of God written on their hearts and know the Lord. Or in Ezekiel 36:22-28 where God’s restored people will be those who are indwelt by the Spirit and have been given a new heart. It is this New Covenant that Jesus inaugurated and accomplished through his death and resurrection (1 Corinthians 11:23-26).
By the “baptist” label, I do not mean to reference a denomination but the conviction on the nature of the church. The baptistic understanding of the church is that it is comprised of those who are members of the “New Covenant.” It is that covenant anticipated in Jeremiah 31:31-34, where the covenant members are those who have the law of God written on their hearts and know the Lord. Or in Ezekiel 36:22-28 where God’s restored people will be those who are indwelt by the Spirit and have been given a new heart. It is this New Covenant that Jesus inaugurated and accomplished through his death and resurrection (1 Corinthians 11:23-26).
The Goal of Parenting
What’s this got to do with parenting? Too often, reformed baptist couples have a baby and start spinning about what they are supposed to do with this child. They grapple with all the Bible says about children and feel as though they have to abandon their reformed baptist convictions to go sprinkle water on their babies in order to live out a positive vision for Christian parenting.
I don’t think such a reaction is necessary. There is no incongruity between being reformed baptist and a faithful Christian father or mother. In fact, I think such convictions advance our faithfulness. There was a decisive focus on children in the Old Covenant because of the promise of being a populous nation from whom the Son of the Woman would come (Genesis 3:15, 12:1-3). Now that the Son has come, covenant members are not born into the covenant community, they are reborn into it (John 3:1-8).
This focuses our parenting away from any semblance of mere behavior modification or presumption of salvation and onto the steady gospel witness we hold out to our children day after day. Children of Christians are beneficiaries of a great grace of God, being given by God into our homes that they may be under such steady influence and proclamation of the gospel (1 Corinthians 7:14). But they are sinners needing the greatest grace of God, being redeemed through the blood of Christ (Ephesians 1:3-10).
Christian, you can have children who obey you immediately, completely, and joyfully on their way to Hell. Such obedience is not your ultimate goal—your children’s embrace of Christ is. I would much rather have my children obey slowly, imperfectly, and begrudgingly and love Christ than to be perfectly obedient outwardly and hate Christ in their heart. Does the Lord require them to honor and obey their parents? Yes, of course. And they will, by God’s grace, grow in being sanctified in this. The goal of our parenting is for God to be glorified in our children through the gospel.
I don’t think such a reaction is necessary. There is no incongruity between being reformed baptist and a faithful Christian father or mother. In fact, I think such convictions advance our faithfulness. There was a decisive focus on children in the Old Covenant because of the promise of being a populous nation from whom the Son of the Woman would come (Genesis 3:15, 12:1-3). Now that the Son has come, covenant members are not born into the covenant community, they are reborn into it (John 3:1-8).
This focuses our parenting away from any semblance of mere behavior modification or presumption of salvation and onto the steady gospel witness we hold out to our children day after day. Children of Christians are beneficiaries of a great grace of God, being given by God into our homes that they may be under such steady influence and proclamation of the gospel (1 Corinthians 7:14). But they are sinners needing the greatest grace of God, being redeemed through the blood of Christ (Ephesians 1:3-10).
Christian, you can have children who obey you immediately, completely, and joyfully on their way to Hell. Such obedience is not your ultimate goal—your children’s embrace of Christ is. I would much rather have my children obey slowly, imperfectly, and begrudgingly and love Christ than to be perfectly obedient outwardly and hate Christ in their heart. Does the Lord require them to honor and obey their parents? Yes, of course. And they will, by God’s grace, grow in being sanctified in this. The goal of our parenting is for God to be glorified in our children through the gospel.
The Discipline of the Lord
While that in itself is a broad vision for our parenting, I think we can go further. And I think this is what Paul is doing in Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” The leadership in this task is for fathers, but God mercifully and normally provides wonderful partners in that task through mothers.
The task is two-fold: discipline and instruction. Both operate in the sphere of and in relation to the Lord. My objective as a father is not to bring up my children in the discipline and instruction of me. I am not ultimate. I, too, am under authority. My objective is to lead my children to relate rightly to the Lord and all of his instruction. That is, I have this wonderful, empowered, authorized commission to teach my children to observe all that Jesus commanded (Matthew 28:18-20).
The task is two-fold: discipline and instruction. Both operate in the sphere of and in relation to the Lord. My objective as a father is not to bring up my children in the discipline and instruction of me. I am not ultimate. I, too, am under authority. My objective is to lead my children to relate rightly to the Lord and all of his instruction. That is, I have this wonderful, empowered, authorized commission to teach my children to observe all that Jesus commanded (Matthew 28:18-20).
The Paideia of the Lord
But my goal, your goal as a Christian parent, is not just to teach your kids Christian things. It is not enough that your kids know the commands of Christ. And I think this is what Paul is referencing when he says the “discipline … of the Lord.” The word he employs is paideia. The foremost scholarly resource on the meaning of Greek words describes this term as "the act of providing guidance for responsible living” (BDAG, s.v. “παιδεία,” 748).
A number of authors have observed how this “paideia of the Lord” is most likely drawing on the historic Greek use of the term. Paideia is not merely corrective consequences like corporal punishment; it encapsulates a whole-life vision for what a child ought to be. Plato defined it as “the art of living as well as possible.” Paul employs a loaded Greek word to exhort fathers to bring a true vision of the good life in the shaping and development of their children. We are to bring up our children where they understand the world correctly, know who they are in it, and move forward by faith to conduct themselves accordingly.
Does that mean you make a practice of family worship? Yes. Does that mean you bring painful consequences into your child’s life that he might be trained by them (Hebrews 12:5-11)? Yes. Does that mean you set the standard in your home that your child is to honor and obey you (Ephesians 6:1-3)? Yes. Does that mean you prioritize the weekly gathering of the local church to join in worship together as a family? Yes.
But it means much more than that. It means you are laboring to train your child to see and interact with all things under the lordship of Christ. It means you equip them to praise that which is praiseworthy, to esteem what is good, true, and beautiful. It means you shape them to love virtue and hate vice. It means you say the same thing 10,000 times so your children know in their bones that this is our Father’s world and all art, music, math, creatures, poetry, cells, sport, science, drink, vistas, weather, emotion, food, suffering, money, aspirations—we engage with all of it in relation to the Lord Jesus who is preeminent over all (Colossians 1:15-18).
A number of authors have observed how this “paideia of the Lord” is most likely drawing on the historic Greek use of the term. Paideia is not merely corrective consequences like corporal punishment; it encapsulates a whole-life vision for what a child ought to be. Plato defined it as “the art of living as well as possible.” Paul employs a loaded Greek word to exhort fathers to bring a true vision of the good life in the shaping and development of their children. We are to bring up our children where they understand the world correctly, know who they are in it, and move forward by faith to conduct themselves accordingly.
Does that mean you make a practice of family worship? Yes. Does that mean you bring painful consequences into your child’s life that he might be trained by them (Hebrews 12:5-11)? Yes. Does that mean you set the standard in your home that your child is to honor and obey you (Ephesians 6:1-3)? Yes. Does that mean you prioritize the weekly gathering of the local church to join in worship together as a family? Yes.
But it means much more than that. It means you are laboring to train your child to see and interact with all things under the lordship of Christ. It means you equip them to praise that which is praiseworthy, to esteem what is good, true, and beautiful. It means you shape them to love virtue and hate vice. It means you say the same thing 10,000 times so your children know in their bones that this is our Father’s world and all art, music, math, creatures, poetry, cells, sport, science, drink, vistas, weather, emotion, food, suffering, money, aspirations—we engage with all of it in relation to the Lord Jesus who is preeminent over all (Colossians 1:15-18).
A Positive Vision
This all-encompassing vision for bringing up your child that she might repent and believe on Christ and see all things as they truly are has ramifications on what church you are a member of, how you go about schooling, who your family spends time with, what friends your children have, how you go about summer and vacation, what sports teams your child will play on, what books your children read, who the influential leaders and mentors are in your child’s life, how technology is used, and on and on and on.
Fortunately, you don’t have to have all this figured out before you become a parent. Children develop, and so do parents. Isn’t it a grace to have a ten-month window to prepare for the birth of your child? And five years to practice good, healthy family rhythms before starting school? And seven years of establishing a foundation? And three years of making connections to so many aspects of life? And three years of refining how ideas and beauty come together? You don’t have to do it all at once.
And you’ll mess up. You’ll sin. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll repent and seek forgiveness. And it will be given. Because there is grace for people—for parents—like you. And there is grace for people like your children, too.
Fortunately, you don’t have to have all this figured out before you become a parent. Children develop, and so do parents. Isn’t it a grace to have a ten-month window to prepare for the birth of your child? And five years to practice good, healthy family rhythms before starting school? And seven years of establishing a foundation? And three years of making connections to so many aspects of life? And three years of refining how ideas and beauty come together? You don’t have to do it all at once.
And you’ll mess up. You’ll sin. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll repent and seek forgiveness. And it will be given. Because there is grace for people—for parents—like you. And there is grace for people like your children, too.